I kind of like having my routine at the moment, it’s comforting.
In response to what I wrote a while ago about my body, I have decided to do something about it. Now I have an iPhone I have downloaded some apps, including the Nike Training Club one, which is really great. I have been doing it every day for the past week, since I got it and want to continue. I feel like I should go running again but it’s just so cold outside. I have also started writing down what I eat. It makes a massive difference but it does come along with a lot of guilt. I have this app told me how much I should be eating and at first I found it almost impossible to stick to but now it’s getting easier and I think I’m eating much healthier. That has also only been a week but when I wake up my stomach looks nice and flat. It doesn’t remain like that but it’s a start. It’s kind of annoying because my stomach seems to respond quickly to all this and that’s good except nobody ever sees it; come on arms and legs! I’m not telling anyone about doing this because they’ll just say I don’t need to. The only thing I’m worried about now is a party we’re having in a couple of weeks and the fact I have a guest staying for a whole week at the end of the month. I really don’t want to be drinking as much wine as I normally would and think I might have to find an alternative. As for the guest, that’s going to be tricker. I’m hoping I can somehow make a ton of unappetising, healthy food that they won’t want and I can eat without doubling my calorie intake, which would happen if I ate with them. I’m also worried about my friend asking me to go on one of our muffin breaks because they’re good but they’re just so not worth the stuff actually inside them. It’s not like I’m cutting out everything because I made some deliciously, unhealthy cupcakes the other day and ate lots. I don’t know
My dreams have been very vivid lately and I have found myself remembering them and noticing patterns that I’m trying to figure out as to whether they are anything more than random smushed together. A little over last week I was home and I didn’t sleep well there, often finding myself awake late into the night. I dreamt a couple of times about uni, one that I still hadn’t finished my essays and it was the night before they were due, the second that I had failed. Another night I dreamt I woke up and saw so many cracks in the ceiling that I was sure the ceiling would cave in at any moment and then tried to get out of the way and woke myself up. This week has been fairly similar in that I go to bed way too late. Sometimes it’s because I can’t sleep. Other times I’m just too distracted. So my dreams this week went like this.
Friday night
One I was in a house with L and J and there was a rabbit that got lost amongst lots of other small animals that in my dream I thought were cats but am now not to sure. We looked for the rabbit but there was just too many other animals and eventually we discovered the other animals ate it. The next dream took place in a mansion and there were lots of us. It seemed like we were just hanging out or something. One guy kept shouting stuff. Everyone disappeared. I had to take a bath with this fat, ugly guy. He wore jeans but I was naked and I felt really uncomfortable and the bath was kinda cold. I remember being surprised and annoyed at how clear the water was. A lady started calling outside and the guy got out of the bath and disappeared. I watched the woman from a window. I think she was shouting for me.
Saturday night
I was on the street opposite a petrol station at night with lots of other people. There was a massive puddle and this lady shouted at us not to try and jump it but to go around. I don’t know if it was water or petrol. When I got to the back of the petrol station it was daytime and I was on some kind of water rapid ride. I looked down and I was naked and upset about this. There was lots of girls in the rapid thing in front of me but they didn’t notice me. A girl from uni came and sat with me (she didn’t seem to notice I was naked) and we started talking.
Sunday night
I was on a school trip and I think we were on a bus or in some enclosed space and I was looking out over Coventry. All the building were the same height and the lights looked pretty at night. One of the buildings suddenly moved kind of snake like up and down and someone told me it was a roller-coaster that had been moved from the theme park. The next thing it was daytime and we were at the ride in a place that was just all empty. We had to cue in little cars and I would buy cigarettes when going through but I always put them out straight away because I realised I couldn’t smoke on the ride. It looked old and I think it broke down before I got on. When I came back (from I don’t know where) some old guy was fixing it but nobody believed he knew what he was doing, more that he was a cleaner and they were trying to save money. I don’t remember if I ever got on it
I’m still awake. It’s not necessarily that I can’t sleep… more that I won’t. I feel like this day is not quite finished… I have something left to do or say. I feel bad for slipping back into the old thoughts of somewhat simpler but far harder to live with conversations. Harder to concentrate at least. Is it obvious what I mean? A picture would go a long way. It seems like the pictures were all imagination now
I wrote that on my other blog. I decided judging subtlty was a skill beyond me after the clock just announced it’s 5am. What the fuck?
I’m going crazy again. I know it’s all “serious” and “complex” and we have to consider “situations” and “feelings” but I’m so sick of it and I miss your lips
